Raising Honest
Children
The following
is an open letter written to Mike & Debi Pearl in
response to an article in their
NGJ magazine. This letter
is not written by a collage student trying to get a degree
in social work, rather it was written by parents who have
successfully raised seven honest children.
Dear Mike &
Debi,
My husband, and I have seven children.
Much of the earlier years of our family life we
walked alone in our convictions about raising Godly kids. As we have read over your literature we have been
much blessed. It
has been like a breath of fresh air and I have been amazed
at how many things Mike has said that I learned from my
husband first.
When we first started raising children,
I had no idea of the importance of training in their lives.
Fortunately, it was the opposite for my husband, who
had a very clear under-standing of healthy training.
By watching him, I quickly learned the value of it,
and am forever grateful to God for the fruit it produced.
Recently, you published an article on
how to deal with dishonesty in children called "Dealing
with Slick Liars".
Although I have never corresponded before, when Debi
said: “I am not suggesting that this is the way to stop
lying in all children” I felt compelled to write to you on
the way we have trained honest children. Honesty has always
been a top priority in our child rearing goals and now that
we have successfully raised four children into honest
adulthood we can say, without reserve, that it truly works!
We have been able to raise our children all the way through
teen hood knowing that they could always confide in us.
When they were young my husband sat
them down and explained to them this rule: If they would
come to either of us and confess their trespasses telling
the truth, we would not punish them. They could always trust
us to keep this promise to them of complete amnesty
if they would only be honest.
Thus from a very young age they
developed a habit of coming to us right away when they did
anything wrong. This is just what we had hoped for because
we knew that if they could be accountable to us for their
actions while they were young it would be a pattern
engrained in them when they were older. The children got it
down so well that as soon as one of them did anything
disobedient all the other siblings would coach them on to
tell on themselves right away and thus began a pattern of
accountability among the children and us as they grew.
I can remember times when they couldn't wait for my
husband to get home and when he drove up they wouldn't even
wait for him to come inside but would meet him on the
driveway to tell on themselves. Though skeptics may find it
hard to believe, our children never abused the privilege of
this rule. Doesn’t knowing that you will answer truthfully
help keep you from temptation? Does the grace of Jesus
Christ encourage us to sin?
Oftentimes there were things we needed
to explain after they confessed. For example when one
daughter hit a baseball through a window. He did tell her
she needed another place to play baseball, but no anger or
punishment followed.
I especially remember one incidence
when my son, James, was 12 years old.
My husband
often worked with James on our family car. One day, my husband gave him instructions to fix
something with the car. When my husband was gone James began working on
the problem. Unfortunately he didn’t remove an axle-stand
from under the car and as a result broke the steering
mechanism when he lowered the jack. Of course, he thought he
had totally ruined the car. He came inside in anguish.
Instead of fixing the car he had ruined it. I could see his inner turmoil, but even before I
spoke his sister was there telling him not to worry, just
tell Dad the truth and everything will be o.k. For me time
seemed like an eternity as James built up the courage to
tell his dad. James waited for about 20 minutes in anguish,
and then confessed with tears. True to his word, my husband
met him with a smile. Why should he be angry? He had an
honest son. His son was trying to fix the car. The incident
was an accident not rebellious behavior. They went out and
fixed the car together.
To be totally honest, years earlier,
this same child of ours did start down the broad path of
lying. Yes the little cherub was smooth and hard to catch.
My husband went through these steps to effect the cure.
-
My
husband sat him down and showed him some Bible verses on
how God hated lying.
-
He
explained that sin was addictive and he knew that he
could not stop lying on his own.
-
My
son was not to think however he was getting away with
it.
-
My
husband removed all privileges that required trust
and explained why to my son.
-
We
never asked him a question or gave him an
opportunity to lie.
-
In
disputes between siblings we were not interested in
his version of the events while he was a liar.
-
When
we were not sure if he was lying we did not punish him
but said: “We think you are lying. When we catch you
for sure you will receive a spanking hard enough to make
up for these times you think you are getting away with
it.”
-
I
am sure anybody who reads this knows that my son
continued to lie. Twice we set up opportunities to cure
him of his dishonesty. My husband gave him spankings
both times, see Proverbs 23:13. These were the only ‘hard’
spankings he has ever needed in his life.
Though this was
a hard two weeks in our life, the cure was complete and we
have an honest son whom we can trust.
Although my husband set these rules up
to make our children honest, I have seen other benefits come
out of it as well. To my delight it greatly diminished the
problem of tattle telling. Instead of the kids running to us to tell us of
their siblings shortcomings they told their siblings to tell
on themselves instead! This
worked so well that whenever I did have tattlers come to me
I would ask them "Did you tell him to tell on himself
before you came to me?" In this way my burden was greatly eased.
Another benefit was being able to leave
money and other valuables around the house. If some object
of value was missing, I knew that the object was just
misplaced.
The biggest benefit of all, of course,
is the spiritual lesson they were learning. Often, the way children deal with us as parents are
the way they learn to deal with God. Jesus said "If we
confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins
and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
This is the pattern God has set up for us - to
confess - and is the only true way of complete healing for
sin. If they
can learn when they are young to confess as a natural course
in life how much easier will it be for them when they face
God in the future?
One of my favorite Bible verses in
dealing with my own sin and guilt says "He that cometh
to me I will in no wise cast out". I know I can come to
Him, not because of me, but because of Him. If we can
pattern for our children, not only how they should handle
sin, but how we handle their sin, we will have made a major
impact on their walk with God.
A sister in
Christ, Hannah
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